Well, in some cases it's more like THEY punched ME in the face. They started it dammit! I think I spend too much time on this blog talking about everything positively. That's simply because I don't often listen to/read/watch pieces of shit on purpose. However sometimes I watch a movie hoping it's good or watching because I don't have much other choice. Sometimes that doesn't turn out so well, hence, this blog entry.
I'm not a movie critic. I'm not a cinema snob. I don't watch movies and critique them. I can sit through a dumb action movie and have a good time if they do it well. I can sit through a dramatic film and be moved. I can watch a complicated sci-fi time travel film and enjoy putting the puzzle pieces together. However, sometimes a movie just hits you the wrong way or there's parts of it just glaring at you. It's sitting there begging you to ignore it, but you can't because it's such shit. So, you feel like punching it in its proverbial face.
*Oh yeah, SPOILERS ahead if you haven't seen these*
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
It's Wolverine, how do you fuck that up? The whole movie could've been about Wolverine clawing people up and it would've been awesome. It's one thing to not follow comic book continuity. I can understand that. But what I don't understand is how do you not follow continuity in your own damn film franchise?? Amnesia bullets? Are you shitting me? So Logan is walking around in the X-Men movies with two holes in his skull that anybody could exploit? Bah. Sabretooth is nothing like the one depicted in the first X-Men, nor does he even remember who Logan is. I'm sure they'll make another sequel that might show that but still. The whole movie just reeked of lazy writing and what they did to Deadpool... I can't forgive what they did to Deadpool. I know most of you who aren't into comics don't understand but it's even stupid in the movie. It's the equivalent of taking your favorite character in any written material and the filmmakers castrate them and misinterpret everything about them. Overall, it was an okay film, but it could've been so much better. So fuck you X-Men Origins.
Knowing
Haha. I like Nicolas Cage. Even if he's in a bad movie, he always takes it that extra mile so that it becomes a bad movie that's fun to watch. Case in point: The Wicker Man. Terrible movie, but it's very unintentionally hilarious. Here, Cage once again delves into Wicker Man mode a few times. It's not worse than X-Men Origins by any means. The disasters look pretty cool and the overall story is okay. Though the whole thing with the aliens is almost a jumping the shark moment. I didn't even know you could have those in a movie. The alien/angel/rapture shit was so random, as was the final scene where Cage drives all the way to NYC to be vaporized with his family after hugging everyone. So I'd most likely just stare at this movie awkwardly instead of hitting it.
Twilight
I never read the book, so I came in going by what I saw in the trailer. I heard this was awesome so I figured I'd see what the big deal was. Well, it's nothing like the trailer. The trailer implies that vampire fighting and protecting Bella would be a major conflict in the film. It's not. I was watching this for an hour and I had no idea what the point was or when the bad vampires would come into play. They don't come into play until the last 15 minutes of the movie, then there's a fight that lasts 2 minutes. Pretty much if you saw the trailer, you saw the majority of the vampire showdown. So fuck false ads. What was the other hour and 40 something minutes about? Teen romance. If you recall being a teenager, then you know teen romance is basically "Oh you're cute, I'm going to awkwardly look at you and talk to you until you notice me" "You haven't spurned my advances, let's go out on a date" "Omg it's been like 2 days and I love you! I want to be with you forever!" Even "Say Anything" almost had this format. Except their romance was much more sweeter and real. The only depth this romance has is that he happens to be a vampire. So he always wants to eat her because she smells delicious. They also can't go out in direct sunlight because his skin sparkles. She wants to be with him forever (after like a week) so she wants him to bite her. He refuses because he wants to keep her "pure". The problem with this is that he is forever 17 and she will eventually get old and it will just be plain awkward. So what he's basically saying is that he doesn't want to commit to her for eternity, just until she dies at the most. How romantic? But not. It's a movie that works for teens, but for people who have had real relationships...meh. That vampire's an asshole. Seriously, he's not nice to everyone, always looks grumpy, is much too sensitive over his skin being all bling bling, is rarely sweet with Bella, and is apparently just with her because the relationship is temporary so he can run away if he gets bored. Am I the only one who sees this?! Maybe the book is different, but that's the impression the movie gives off. So fuck that. I heard in the later books this drama gets even more fucked up. To the point where it could be seen on Maury. Shit, if they film the last book, we'll get to see a grown wolfman think a baby is his soulmate. Classy. Fans will burn me for this...and that's okay.
Screamers: The Hunting
Does anyone remember the old Peter Weller movie, Screamers? Peter Weller is a soldier on a distant planet where there's these machines nicknamed Screamers. They pop out of the ground with a saw for a head. They used to be tools to help them win some war but now they gained sentience and starting making versions that look just like people. Anyways, it was a good movie. If you have nothing better to do, go watch it. Screamers: The Hunting is a sequel to that movie. It punched me in the face first. The people in this movie are stupid as hell. I don't even want to begin to talk about how shitty this movie is. The special effects aren't so bad but everything else is. I wanted to smack every character in this movie because they were either annoying or dumb. There was supposed to a romance in here between two characters but it's worse than Twilight. "Hey man, you keep following me and creepily trying to flirt with me. It's truly disturbing. Umm...okay let's have sex!" Fuck this movie.
He's Just Not That Into You
I don't know where to start. Characters contradict themselves and go against their own beliefs, some are plain unlikeable *cough* Scarlett Johanson *cough*, and really the movie teaches women NOTHING. The men and women in this movie are not portrayed realistically. They're caricatures and stereotypes of people in certain situations. I was watching this with my lady (because why else would I watch it) and we were both calling it out on stuff. "That's not true!" "What the hell? I don't know anyone like that" "I don't understand why this guy totally changed his beliefs on marriage. It seems like he's just doing it to shut her up" The only good thing about this movie is that they were wise to cut out Scarlett Johanson singing. They show her on stage singing, but there's no sound. Woo! Fuck this movie!
*Oh yeah, SPOILERS ahead if you haven't seen these*
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
It's Wolverine, how do you fuck that up? The whole movie could've been about Wolverine clawing people up and it would've been awesome. It's one thing to not follow comic book continuity. I can understand that. But what I don't understand is how do you not follow continuity in your own damn film franchise?? Amnesia bullets? Are you shitting me? So Logan is walking around in the X-Men movies with two holes in his skull that anybody could exploit? Bah. Sabretooth is nothing like the one depicted in the first X-Men, nor does he even remember who Logan is. I'm sure they'll make another sequel that might show that but still. The whole movie just reeked of lazy writing and what they did to Deadpool... I can't forgive what they did to Deadpool. I know most of you who aren't into comics don't understand but it's even stupid in the movie. It's the equivalent of taking your favorite character in any written material and the filmmakers castrate them and misinterpret everything about them. Overall, it was an okay film, but it could've been so much better. So fuck you X-Men Origins.
Knowing
Haha. I like Nicolas Cage. Even if he's in a bad movie, he always takes it that extra mile so that it becomes a bad movie that's fun to watch. Case in point: The Wicker Man. Terrible movie, but it's very unintentionally hilarious. Here, Cage once again delves into Wicker Man mode a few times. It's not worse than X-Men Origins by any means. The disasters look pretty cool and the overall story is okay. Though the whole thing with the aliens is almost a jumping the shark moment. I didn't even know you could have those in a movie. The alien/angel/rapture shit was so random, as was the final scene where Cage drives all the way to NYC to be vaporized with his family after hugging everyone. So I'd most likely just stare at this movie awkwardly instead of hitting it.
Twilight
I never read the book, so I came in going by what I saw in the trailer. I heard this was awesome so I figured I'd see what the big deal was. Well, it's nothing like the trailer. The trailer implies that vampire fighting and protecting Bella would be a major conflict in the film. It's not. I was watching this for an hour and I had no idea what the point was or when the bad vampires would come into play. They don't come into play until the last 15 minutes of the movie, then there's a fight that lasts 2 minutes. Pretty much if you saw the trailer, you saw the majority of the vampire showdown. So fuck false ads. What was the other hour and 40 something minutes about? Teen romance. If you recall being a teenager, then you know teen romance is basically "Oh you're cute, I'm going to awkwardly look at you and talk to you until you notice me" "You haven't spurned my advances, let's go out on a date" "Omg it's been like 2 days and I love you! I want to be with you forever!" Even "Say Anything" almost had this format. Except their romance was much more sweeter and real. The only depth this romance has is that he happens to be a vampire. So he always wants to eat her because she smells delicious. They also can't go out in direct sunlight because his skin sparkles. She wants to be with him forever (after like a week) so she wants him to bite her. He refuses because he wants to keep her "pure". The problem with this is that he is forever 17 and she will eventually get old and it will just be plain awkward. So what he's basically saying is that he doesn't want to commit to her for eternity, just until she dies at the most. How romantic? But not. It's a movie that works for teens, but for people who have had real relationships...meh. That vampire's an asshole. Seriously, he's not nice to everyone, always looks grumpy, is much too sensitive over his skin being all bling bling, is rarely sweet with Bella, and is apparently just with her because the relationship is temporary so he can run away if he gets bored. Am I the only one who sees this?! Maybe the book is different, but that's the impression the movie gives off. So fuck that. I heard in the later books this drama gets even more fucked up. To the point where it could be seen on Maury. Shit, if they film the last book, we'll get to see a grown wolfman think a baby is his soulmate. Classy. Fans will burn me for this...and that's okay.
Screamers: The Hunting
Does anyone remember the old Peter Weller movie, Screamers? Peter Weller is a soldier on a distant planet where there's these machines nicknamed Screamers. They pop out of the ground with a saw for a head. They used to be tools to help them win some war but now they gained sentience and starting making versions that look just like people. Anyways, it was a good movie. If you have nothing better to do, go watch it. Screamers: The Hunting is a sequel to that movie. It punched me in the face first. The people in this movie are stupid as hell. I don't even want to begin to talk about how shitty this movie is. The special effects aren't so bad but everything else is. I wanted to smack every character in this movie because they were either annoying or dumb. There was supposed to a romance in here between two characters but it's worse than Twilight. "Hey man, you keep following me and creepily trying to flirt with me. It's truly disturbing. Umm...okay let's have sex!" Fuck this movie.
He's Just Not That Into You
I don't know where to start. Characters contradict themselves and go against their own beliefs, some are plain unlikeable *cough* Scarlett Johanson *cough*, and really the movie teaches women NOTHING. The men and women in this movie are not portrayed realistically. They're caricatures and stereotypes of people in certain situations. I was watching this with my lady (because why else would I watch it) and we were both calling it out on stuff. "That's not true!" "What the hell? I don't know anyone like that" "I don't understand why this guy totally changed his beliefs on marriage. It seems like he's just doing it to shut her up" The only good thing about this movie is that they were wise to cut out Scarlett Johanson singing. They show her on stage singing, but there's no sound. Woo! Fuck this movie!
The Unborn
My girlfriend saw this movie and told me it was a pile of shit. I haven't watched it so I can't say definitively how bad it is, but I added it here because she hated it with such enthusiasm. So fuck this one too!
X-Files
I mean the recent movie. The first movie that came out back in the day was okay, but it dealt with the mythology and answered questions from the show. The new movie is pretty much a monster-of-the-week thing. The problem is the "monster" sucks. The Euro-Frankenstein's Monster is only onscreen for maybe 30 seconds. The ending is just so anti-climatic it's ridiculous. There is no real confrontation. The story has nothing to do with the show's mythology and it barely answers any questions posed by the show's finale. I had to really dig around online to find out Mulder and Scully put their baby up for adoption. I mean you'd think they'd say so in the movie but they don't. It could've been eaten by Cthulhu and we wouldn't know. Are Scully and Mulder living together or not? Are they lovers? If this is the case, why the fuck did Scully let Mulder sit around all day throwing pencils at the ceiling and growing his Zach Galifianakis beard? At the end of the movie, as an X-Files fan, you just feel let down.
There could be more movies on this list, but earning my wrath takes a bit more effort. These movies are the only ones (that I can think of or remember from this year or last year) that really accomplished that. No easy feat. If you have any suggestions or additions to the list, then let me know.
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